Monday, December 6, 2010

A letter to All

Are there words to describe everything that's happened in the last month? Maybe... On Sunday as I was sitting in church, I realized that it had been a month since I got my answer to move. So much has happened since then that if feels forever ago. I'm not going to lie, its been tough the last four weeks. A lot of emotion and tears have been present, but a lot of learning has happened too. As much as everything is changing there is one constant. And that is the ache in my heart to be with my family. The people who I love more than anything. If it wasn't so fresh in my mind the reminder that the Lord guided me here to move to Nebraska, I would be packing my car and racing home. Its not bad here just...... hard. Work has got me stressed because things are different than what they told me before I moved, so much so that in order for me to go to school I need a second job. On the upside, which there are a lot of pros to this situation, its great living with my Grandparents. I'm so grateful that I have a room here, a bed to sleep in, and food. I have been blessed with aunts and uncles who check in on me weekly and invite me to be with them. I am being watched over. I have no reason to complain about company because I have it with family and new friends that I am making. But at the same time I would give it all up to have a hug and a kiss from my mom and dad. To be with my brothers and sister. To cheer them on in their endeavors. To do gingerbread houses and sugar cookies with mom late into the night. To get into the Christmas spirit by going to Temple square with everyone and seeing the lights. My youngest brother asked me last night when I was coming home to visit and it just made me cry really hard. I had to tell him I don't know. But that I love him and that I cant wait to see him. Today was the first day in a week and a half that I haven't talked to my family and I can tell the difference. The ache in my chest is strong and overwhelming. How do people do this? How can they just move away and get over it? I miss my family I miss my friends I miss the stresses of my old life. So I keep asking myself why am I out here? What am I supposed to learn? What am I supposed to do? When am I going to find out and how? I am looking forward to do new things to meet new people to create me. The me I want to be for the rest of my life. To find what I want to do with school and jobs. To strengthen the weak points in my life. But how? Its a big world out here, outside of my parents home where you feel protected from the frights of growing up. I suddenly find that I marooned myself on an island called Lincoln where I know few people and know even less of my surroundings. How do I make it through this big change? I pray every night that with each passing day Ill find a way to make it work out here and that it will get easier to go on. But I still go to bed crying and wondering how I might be able to get back to Salt Lake even just to visit. If you didn't know before, I moved out here after praying on a suggestion and earnest research. I needed a drastic change from my everyday life of cranky people at work, not being able to go to school, and wanting a change in my social life. I got my answer and I moved. Boy have I gotten that change. But as negative as this post seems to be I want you to know that I look positively on the future. It's going to be hard I know that now. I thought this would be easy. A piece of cake from not hitting any red lights in getting ready to move. But I have hit them now. And they are things that could have easily happened in Utah.

I want my parents and siblings to know that I love them so much!!!!!! I am so blessed to have them for my family. I am so grateful that my parents raised me up to be a strong person to be independent, to stand strong in the church and to have high standards. I am grateful for all they have taught me and shown me through out the years. I'm so grateful for their testimonies and examples. And I am grateful that they put up with all my rebelliousness and silliness of being a teenager. I wouldn't be me, Randall , if it weren't for them. So thank you Mom and Dad. Thank you so much for loving me. I realize now how much I rely/relied on you and how much I love my family. I love you.