A letter to All

Are there words to describe everything that's happened in the last month? Maybe... On Sunday as I was sitting in church, I realized that it had been a month since I got my answer to move. So much has happened since then that if feels forever ago. I'm not going to lie, its been tough the last four weeks. A lot of emotion and tears have been present, but a lot of learning has happened too. As much as everything is changing there is one constant. And that is the ache in my heart to be with my family. The people who I love more than anything. If it wasn't so fresh in my mind the reminder that the Lord guided me here to move to Nebraska, I would be packing my car and racing home. Its not bad here just...... hard. Work has got me stressed because things are different than what they told me before I moved, so much so that in order for me to go to school I need a second job. On the upside, which there are a lot of pros to this situation, its great living with my Grandparents. I'm so grateful that I have a room here, a bed to sleep in, and food. I have been blessed with aunts and uncles who check in on me weekly and invite me to be with them. I am being watched over. I have no reason to complain about company because I have it with family and new friends that I am making. But at the same time I would give it all up to have a hug and a kiss from my mom and dad. To be with my brothers and sister. To cheer them on in their endeavors. To do gingerbread houses and sugar cookies with mom late into the night. To get into the Christmas spirit by going to Temple square with everyone and seeing the lights. My youngest brother asked me last night when I was coming home to visit and it just made me cry really hard. I had to tell him I don't know. But that I love him and that I cant wait to see him. Today was the first day in a week and a half that I haven't talked to my family and I can tell the difference. The ache in my chest is strong and overwhelming. How do people do this? How can they just move away and get over it? I miss my family I miss my friends I miss the stresses of my old life. So I keep asking myself why am I out here? What am I supposed to learn? What am I supposed to do? When am I going to find out and how? I am looking forward to do new things to meet new people to create me. The me I want to be for the rest of my life. To find what I want to do with school and jobs. To strengthen the weak points in my life. But how? Its a big world out here, outside of my parents home where you feel protected from the frights of growing up. I suddenly find that I marooned myself on an island called Lincoln where I know few people and know even less of my surroundings. How do I make it through this big change? I pray every night that with each passing day Ill find a way to make it work out here and that it will get easier to go on. But I still go to bed crying and wondering how I might be able to get back to Salt Lake even just to visit. If you didn't know before, I moved out here after praying on a suggestion and earnest research. I needed a drastic change from my everyday life of cranky people at work, not being able to go to school, and wanting a change in my social life. I got my answer and I moved. Boy have I gotten that change. But as negative as this post seems to be I want you to know that I look positively on the future. It's going to be hard I know that now. I thought this would be easy. A piece of cake from not hitting any red lights in getting ready to move. But I have hit them now. And they are things that could have easily happened in Utah.

I want my parents and siblings to know that I love them so much!!!!!! I am so blessed to have them for my family. I am so grateful that my parents raised me up to be a strong person to be independent, to stand strong in the church and to have high standards. I am grateful for all they have taught me and shown me through out the years. I'm so grateful for their testimonies and examples. And I am grateful that they put up with all my rebelliousness and silliness of being a teenager. I wouldn't be me, Randall , if it weren't for them. So thank you Mom and Dad. Thank you so much for loving me. I realize now how much I rely/relied on you and how much I love my family. I love you.

Love,
Randall

Moving is so EMOTIONAL!!!!!!!!!

Have you ever sat down to Blog and then look at the page as if you type its going to come alive and bite you? Or just simply cant come up with a way to say something you know you want to say? Well thats me today.
There are a lot of emotions running through me this week. The majority are of excitment, anticipation, nerves... but one that keeps coming back is just sad. Many things go into this emotion, regret, the fact that im leaving my friends and parents, walking into the dark, and knowing this is going to be hard. Dont get me wrong, I am so thrilled to finally be doing something out there but of my own accord. To take the chance and start a new life. A life thats all my doing. Creating me and who I am. But this one emotion is what has made me cry myself to sleep the last couple nights. So how can I move forward from this emotion? Put all my energy to moving and taking care of things? Any suggestions? Im sure there will be many more tears especially next week when I do move, but until then I need to keep going. Wednesday doesnt seem that far away anymore.

Blessings and Miracles

So in trying to get my transfer all squared away in Lincoln, some struggles have come up. Either employees will be hired by the time I arrive or shifts just arent open. Yesterday was a downer day since thats all I found out on the matter. As I was saying my prayers last night I started praying really hard that more progress would be made so that I could have a job while I'm in Lincoln. This morning I woke up to a phone call from a store next to Grandma and Grandpa's house, the Pharmacist said he has 3 shifts a week open and that they can be mine! And that another store has 2 shifts open!!!! I couldnt believe it. Through my groggy eyes and not awake vocal chords I wanted to shout hooray and cry. But I didn't. ;D I am throughly blessed and these little bumps and resulting miracles make my convictions stronger that moving is definitely what the Lord would have me do. And reminds me that he will prepare a way. I am so excited and grateful for the great start to the day especially when this week has been really rough. Watch out Lincoln, HERE I COME!!!!!!!!

New Beginnings!!!

So for the last little while I have been looking for a change to my life. Something that would include going to school getting away from home and growing up a little bit. And I finally found it. IM MOVING!!!! Yes, thats right I am moving back to Nebraska where I can go to school cheaper at the community college than out here at the community college. Kind of lame but oh well. Also work (Walgreens) is getting me a transfer to one of the stores in Lincoln. Hopefully I hear back soon but it takes 6 weeks to complete I guess. Any way thats just the update for now. Im excited and I know that its the right thing to do. Hooray!!!

So grateful!

So in the past month I have found myself very grateful for the job that I have. It can be so difficult sometimes to try and put yourself on the same page as your patients and be able to effectively communicate with them. For a long time I have looked at the past three years and have been throughly disgusted with the way my life has taken its course. I have constantly struggled to go to school, work, and be healthy. I always complained about the money not being saved and going into the "stupid circumstances" that always seem to creep up. However as my dad and I were talking one night I spiritually discovered an urgent need to change my perspective. I each day I find myself more thankful that the Lord has provided for me. Well now you might be asking how and I will happily tell you. If it wasnt for the miraculous timing of getting my license and applying to go to BYU-I, i wouldnt have the job I still have today. My job transfer did not go through to Idaho. I could have easily not had the job should I moved to idaho. Instead the lord provided a means for me to stay home work and pay for the appartment in Idaho I didnt live in. I went to school for the first time in a year and half at the University of Utah and payed in full for it. Next it was time to buy a car. I needed to work yet again and could not take the bus and work enough time to make the income needed. Again because of my job I was able to put a $4000 downpayment without a co-signer and still have enough to pay for school. The final miraculous blessing of my job came into full fruit last January as I went to have surgery. Because I had saved and saved and saved I was able to pay in full without loans for the surgery in seven months. And I still have my job to this day with great Credit. Its been a true eye opener this last year. And I cant go a day without telling my Father in Heaven thank you for it. Sure enough each experience has been heart wrenching to me but now as I look back with a new perspective its has become easier to remember the trial. I am so grateful.

Tough Love

The last three weeks have been extremely trying and stressful. With trying to find some way to go to school, work and feel good about it all I have worked myself into a frenzy. And then to top it all off Brad and I hit a rift in our relationship and from there everything has gone downhill. I think I have finally realized that I stopped listening to promptings while dating Brad about the mission. Before Brad came I had received my answer and things started working out so I could turn my papers in. But because I loved the idea of dating Brad I thought the lord put me on another path. Well he didn't I did. And I am now finding myself currently single as of tonight. My heart isn't broken and it was a mutual break up. I feel bad for hurting him. I just finally listened to a red alarm in my heart. Anyway so that's the update. I am pretty sure I will be finishing those papers here soon and working towards scrapeing money together again. It has definitely been a lesson of tough love this month.

Plans

So school starts in three weeks and I am finding myself suddenly stressed out. I have no way to pay for the schooling I want this semester and dont really want to go into more debt by getting loans. The other discouraging thing is that I really really dont want to work through another semester. I am going nuts by not doing anything. Just work is not a good thing for me. So I am trying to figure out what to do. Any suggestions? Because right now it looks like work is the only option. I guess thats all I had to say. ha ha ha

Brad

Well here at last is a picture of Brad and I together. We had gone bowling with a bunch of friends and one happened to have a camera. This is one of my favorite pictures so far. I'll put another one up soon from our trip to Denver.

Realization

So Brad and I have been dating for over a week now as an official couple. And its been one month since our first date. This last weekend he went up to a family cabin for a big reunion type deal. I didn't think I would miss him as much as I did. Everyday was almost a painful reminder he wasn't home. But the happiest parts of my day were the sporadic texts I would get when he would find cell phone reception. Saturday night after fireworks were over, I got a message from him and automatically my countenance lit up. It was a simple message but meant a lot. However the next message in response to mine has made me smile and giggle. It said, "Just two more sleeps and then I'll be home to sweep you off your feet all over again." it was just like a little kid asking how many more sleeps until Christmas. It is by far my favorite message from him.
Anyway so I have now almost met his entire family. Last week I met his moms side of the family who are relatively quiet and reserved but still fun to be around. However last night I met the Watts side and boy was it like a party we have when we all get together. There were at least 50 people in attendance. Loud and noisy with little kids running around and screaming. ;D His aunts are by far my favorite on that side. One reminded me off my aunt Stephanie. Tall slender stylish and in behavior... very similar. It was fun. The best part was that they didn't hold back in making sure I knew who they were or that they weren't knowledgeable as to who i was. Apparently I was a hot subject to talk about over the weekend. It was so much fun getting to know them. Brad's grandpa though.... he is a tough cookie. I was warned that he was very personable and straight forward honest. I took the meeting as a challenge and was surprised that he was so easy to talk too. I also found out that he knew my Great Grandpa Weight. So at least in that respect I have an in to talk to him and get to know him. So after all of this getting to know you stuff with families I am beginning to feel like I'm apart of it.( His family and extended family.) Its a good feeling, and to top it off... well lets just say that I don't think this relationship is in a hurry to end. ;D

I kissed a boy!

So this past month has been full of ups and downs. The last time I posted I was set on not getting into a relationship with Brad. Well that plan went downhill because as of a ½ hour ago Brad and I are dating. I don't know how to really explain how all of this came about.
After our "walk" a couple Sundays ago he went on Trek with his stake, so I didn't see him at all that week. However every night this week we have spent time together. And have cuddled and held hands lots and lots. I have gotten to know his family well and love being around them. We have done various activities this week. We watched Leap Year (great movie by the way) played the piano, he did a guitar recital for me then blew me out of the water as his younger brother joined in on the electric bass guitar ( brad plays acoustic and electric). They played quite a few songs for me then played one that Brad wrote called Memories. So totally attractive by-the-way. ;D I had dinner at his house one night with his family and laughed the entire time due to the humor his family has. I don't know how they keep a serious moment around. Then tonight we celebrated Mom's birthday. She had me invite Brad over for cake and ice cream. I couldn't believe how comfortable he acted around my family! All I've heard this week is how much my family loves Brad. So I guess it makes sense. But I found out from him that he normally isn't comfortable around entire families other than his own. It was a surprising piece of news. Anyway we just all sat around talked and laughed. It was quite enjoyable. Ha ha so I walked him out to his car tonight and we talked some more. Suddenly he throws the question out "So are we dating now?" I hardly thought about it and answered "yes I do believe we are." Obviously I have gotten totally distracted from my goal...but strangely enough I am OK with that. As I was trying to end our conversation tonight ,since it was a bit late, he kissed me! It was perfect! A short sweet kiss! Well like the title states, I kissed a boy. Ha ha ha. So that's my adventure for tonight, I hope you enjoyed reading about it because I sure have enjoyed living it! So I guess there really hasn't been an ending to my story its only just beginning. :)

Story Line

Do you ever feel like you have a story to tell? That you absolutely have to tell it otherwise you will explode? Well in reading my last few posts I realized thats what I've done. Ive started a story and now I feel like I need to finish it- although it doesn't really have an ending because the end hasn't come yet. Let me try to give you the rest of the story line:
Last sunday I went and talked to my Bishop..(at last) and told him my concern over finances for the mission. We talked about it and came to the conclusion that if I save $4000 by september then the ward will cover half of my expenses for 18 months! I was absolutely relieved to hear this and further amazed at the blessing when I was told that the money from the sale of my car was to 1. pay off the loan and 2. any extra be saved for after the mission so I dont come home to not one penny. As I was leaving the meeting the sense of a burden was lifted off my shoulders. I felt elated and so happy to have the realization that things really will work out for me to serve and leave soon after I turn 21. But something the Bishop said to me on my way out has stuck with me very closely. He said, "Satan does not want you to go on a mission, he will try and throw a relationship at you." Wow he couldn't have been more dead on. The reason I mention this is because I have begun to feel very unnerved about what is happening with Brad and I. He is interested in me, its plainly obvious, but I don't feel like I am romantically there. Sure I enjoy the attention and the one on one time we have but I feel like I'm cheating him of something. On thinking about this I decided that it would be best not to try and pursue a quote "relationship" rather I would feel more comfortable with a growing friendship. I'm trying to focus on going on a mission how can I do that when I have a constant reminder someone is there pursuing me? I feel right about my decision and have been assured that Brad will understand and support me once he is told of my decision. I respect him and have no desire to hurt him and frankly I'm scarred about talking to him. I pray that Heavenly Father will guide me and help in this decision. I just hope that Brad wont hurt too badly.
Anyway that's the end of the story that hasn't ended yet. Does it make any sense? Cuz my head is still spinning.

Dating vs. Mission

So in my previous post I talked about going on a date with Brad. I had been looking forward to it all week. I was almost giddy with anticipation. Well we went out last night and boy was it fun. We had pizza in the park, strolled for a while then went bowling. It was so enjoyable!!! However as soon as I walked in the house I knew something was different for me. I didn't come home like I normally would and say, "Oh it was so much fun!!!!" and be all giddy about a wonderful date. No, I came home and immediately wanted to cry. Yesterday morning I had a spiritual slap right across the face. I was playing the piano and the thought clear as day and very loud said, What are you doing?! You are supposed to go on a mission. Why haven't you worked on your papers more frequently? That's what you are to be doing.... I was brought to tears by this thought and found more thoughts like that going through my head the rest of the day. Let me tell you, that was pretty unsettling. I guess the reason would be because I had this small sliver of hope that I would find someone to be interested in and date and go into a relationship with. So when I got home I was confused and well.. unsettled. I called my friend up and he immediately told me to do four things: 1. pray 2. read my patriarchal blessing 3. read the scriptures 4. go to sleep. I did exactly that. I prayed for confirmation on going on a mission to be comforted and feel committed. Then read my blessing which brought the confirmation and comfort. Next I read my scriptures which gave me the commitment. Finally after saying another prayer I went to sleep with thoughts of putting zeal into preparing to go on a mission. I feel so much better now. I just need to let everybody know ( including Brad) that I'm going on a mission. Its the right thing for me to be doing. Anyway that's my story about my date. Pretty exciting huh?

Crazy!

Well I finally have been able to start on my mission papers. I never realized how truly deep they are. Questions would come up asking about my ancestors nationalities which totally threw me off for a minute. I just wasnt expecting those questions. Anyway its been an interesting experience. But my main motivation today is to tell you that I'm going on a date. You are probably wondering why thats so exciting. Well I am happy to tell you why. I have this really great girlfriend who I was really close too. Until she got married... anyway.... anytime we were together with a group of guys she would be the one who all the men payed attention too. I could flirt and do all the same things and still be left on the side of the road. It got so irritating that I hated going places to hang out with guys with her. Anyway since she got married I haven't been on any dates. At all. Any date I went on she would have set it up. So theres the history. Here is the exciting part, which I'm sure you've already guessed. There is a guy named Brad Watts who I have occasionally spent time with due to friend functions. I never bothered to talk to him or anything until last week. A group of us went to play Ultimate Frisbee for YSA. Afterwards we went to his house and talked. He and I ended up talking quite a bit and laughed a ton. Then on Friday and Saturday we hung again with our friends. Only on saturday he had his arm around me in the car. When we (being Tonya, Rocio, and I) droped him off at home he flat out asked me out for Thursday!!! In front of the girls and all. I have to say bravo to him because I can only imagine how nerve racking that would be. I immediately said yes and that I would love too, because lets face it that doesnt happen to me EVER!, and he is very attractive, and such a gentleman. Which is a plus. ;D Then saturday night I realized that my friend Julie isnt around and that it was just me recieving the attention from him!!! I have been completely dumbfounded by the discovery because I'm not used to this attention whatsoever. Anyway thats my story. I am so super excited and cant wait for thursday to come around!!!

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all!!! I just want to say that I love my mom. She has taught me so much is always there for me and loves to tease me. I am proud to be her daughter. I hope that some of her skills and habits I can continue throughout my life.

One example that I would like to focus on is her cooking and baking skills. She is amazing at her cookies and does a wonderful job of making them look professional. I hope that my first real attempt at baking a cake today gets better in time. I think I did a pretty decent job for making a cake for the first time. I hope it tastes just as good. Moms favorite cake is carrot cake. So I decided to be brave and ask if I can make one for her. I got the green light and jumped on it today. I had no trouble getting the cake out of the pan with the help of Mr. Pam Spray and Mrs. Wax Paper. The cakes slide right out!!! Then was the terrifying step of frosting it. Yikes. ok let me just say that future attempts at baking rolls or dinner or anything brand new by myself never goes well. Just ask mom. Ha Ha anyway the finished piece looks amazing especially when you add the fresh flowers. I just happened to have some daisies laying around in my room. :D I think this is the start of cake adventures!!!!

Smiles!

The above pictures ( for those of you who have not seen facebook) is me as Cruella in a Melodrama I did for my singles ward. The plot is about Aurora the sleeping beauty, Cinderella, and Belle all wanting to find true love with 3 princes who seem to be an unlikely match. A story teller directs the play and the Fairy Godfather and I fight each other in trying to make love happen/ or not happen. I was against love. He he he. It was so fun. I have red glitter everywhere in my hair and what they call fantasy makeup designs on my face. I hardly looked like me. Even my mom didnt recognize me. There are lots of pictures, maybe i'll put a slide show together.

I have to say that I did not expect that many replies on my last post. But they did bring understanding and help. I appreciate all comments even if you wanted to keep quiet. ;D They definately made me laugh and smile at all of you. I wish I could afford to move out to Nebraska. It would be an adventure I would love to have!!! Alas money would be an issue and so would my job. But i'll keep the idea in my heart for another time. Who knows maybe Mr. Handsome Right is there. Ha ha ha that is an intriguing thought. I am so close to having my mission papers its unreal. Now that the time is here to start them Im getting anxious. I dont necessarily have doubts but can address them as concerns that I have. Sheez growing up is hard. Ha ha ha

A little Understanding?

So today at church one of the bishopric members came up to me and said, "come sit down and lets talk. " My first reaction was "Oh no, not a third calling!" well he really did just want to talk. I have been in the process of getting mission papers and he asked me that how it was going. I told him that its been slow and that it is getting there. Then he asked another question as if he was trying to clarify something, "So are you dating anyone?" ouch. Well the plain and simple fact is that Im not and never really have. He then continued to say watch you'll find someone and not go on a mission. You'll get married instead. At this point in my head im thinking, "yeah right!" on the other hand another part of me started thinking that would be nice and i could live with that. Well here is another piece of the puzzle. Life has been rough for me lately and I seem to be changing in behavior and habit. I know that I have to change back to my old self just more mature in some areas so that I can go on a mission/get married. But here is my question; How come every time a girl gets ready to go on a mission, most people decide to throw the "you'll get married instead" line out there? It drives me crazy because obviously the girl is at a time in her life where that is not going to happen. Yes sometimes it does happen granted but not always. We all do want to get married just at the right time. Anyway if anyone has an answer please help me out.

A Start

Okay so I don't really know what I am going to do with this blog but I thought it would be fun to give it a try. Right now I feel like I am at a stand still in my life and I am trying to come up with things that I could do with my now AVAILABLE time. I used to be in a sorority which took up 2 nights of my week and in a Melodrama- a comical play- that took up another night. So with my free time I thought the first thing I could do is try making cakes. After all I did work in a bakery for 3 years. Do you think some of the skills stuck? I have no idea. I guess we'll see. Mom told me I am going through a phase like my aunt did. She called it the "Stephanie Phase." Maybe she is right. Well here it goes my first post and the start of a new FANTASTIC ME!